day 83 - overdue rants

I apologize for not posting anything recently. I've been chasing a dream of mine and that's been consuming a great deal of my time. I've also spent a lot of my time running away. I wish everyone could grow up having an asian parent so they know what I've been going through. I genuinely think that growing up in this country with one asian parent is a tragedy, and two is just a nightmare. In asian culture everyone basically strives to be a small business owner or something of the like, something with a minor amount of respect and something that is totally boring and shitty. If any of you know me, you know that is not me. So you can see how my mom and I butt heads to the extreme nearly every day. She's at a point in her life where she's getting too old to work. She is getting arthritis really bad in her hands and since her job involves her hands she has been forced to resign to teaching others and trying to make money that way. However, that means in her home life she needs somebody to help around the house. Lord knows my brother and sister won't do shit, they're just like me, they think that school and instrument lessons are already too much (which to be fair, with the way my mom treats those things, they are), and my shitty ass step dad obviously doesn't do fucking anything at all except be a dick to my siblings, so that generally leaves things up to me.


Now this wouldn't normally be that big of a deal except for the fact that I'm under constant pressure to either go back to school or get a job, both of which not only feel like a waste of time to me, but also feel like giving up. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll still get a job just because I really, REALLY, need the money right now, but my last job left me with a bit of a salty taste in my mouth and again, if any of you know me, you know I'm not the kind of guy to give up TIME for MONEY, especially when it involves sucking someone else's dick for 10 hours a day doing something monotonous. But of course, my mom doesn't understand these things, and why should she? That's all she's done her entire life, and I appreciate that, but things are different for me. She worked her entire life for me to be able to chase my dreams so WHY ISN'T SHE FUCKING LETTING ME!!?


Ugh, I have so many frustrations right now. I need to get out of here. Living in my mom's basement is a living hell, and as soon as I get a job I can move out, so I guess that's what I have to do. But it feels so bad. It feels like resigning to a life of shit. And I feel like there's not one single person who relates to what I want, how I feel, or what I want from life.


And don't even get me started on girls. Do you know how hard it is to scrape together the courage to ask a girl out when you have no money and still live with your mom? It's impossible.


Maybe this was too much information but I've always been one for transparency.

- Marcus <3

day 82 - absolution

"Write drunk; edit sober." - Ernest Hemingway

i crave that absolution
i desire that instituion
i feel like resolution
is just a substitution

infinity is not everything
a fool can be a king
in our deepest fears will ring
a dead and withered wing

melodies heard
and emotions stirred
a life in the end
is all you can tend









I have something I'm writing but I wanted to take a little bit of time with it, so while I'm still writing every day I might not be posting for a few. To make up for it, here's a playlist of a few songs that I like.

day 81 - ticking

From dusk till dawn
through every yawn
a ticking noise is ticking

a man wakes up
his life is gone
he felt it much too quickly

and never seen
his realized dreams
but this is all there could be

day 81 - boat

A young boy recently told me a riddle. One of those riddles you hear as a child that makes you feel all the wiser from just being able to parrot it back.

"How far can a dog run into a forest?"

"Um... you know, I'm not sure. How far?"

I decided to play along for his sake, remembering how I had hated know-it-all no fun adults, and sure enough he snapped right back.

"Half way! After that it's running out of the forest!"

At the time I hadn't the heart to tell him that I never liked that one in particular either. Maybe it was because I thought about it too much, but I always imagined the dog getting ten feet into the forest only to get caught in a bear trap or to drown in a lake.

The salty ocean air reprimanded me for thinking about it a second time with a graze across the cheek, and I supposed it was right. Retiring to the warmth of my cabin was anything but reassuring. A relaxing journey into the great beyond! - the advertisement had promised. Surely an oxymoron, I had thought at the time, but I did my best to prove myself wrong in the spirit of my journey. I emptied my pack onto the luxurious stained sheets.

"First thing's first," I felt it necessary to say aloud.

I grabbed the old bottle of wine I had saved for just such boredom.

"And of course, no need for formalities."

I drank with the thirst of a dying man, it only felt right.

As the sun sank under the water and the boat began to quiet, I retrieved the candle and matches I had so romantically decided to bring. I struck the first match but finished with that. The flame became my mistress of the night. I found it rather interesting, the concept of a match, at the time. Simply a small stick made to be burned up. I wished dearly for someone to strike me, to start my fire and let it consume me until I was nothing but a pile of hot ash. The match burnt my fingers and I lit another, bidding my first mistress adieu and lighting my candle with the second.

I laid on my bed staring at the candle, thinking back to the old riddle. That night I dreamed of the boat catching on fire, not quite making it half way across the ocean.