I apologize for not posting anything recently. I've been chasing a dream of mine and that's been consuming a great deal of my time. I've also spent a lot of my time running away. I wish everyone could grow up having an asian parent so they know what I've been going through. I genuinely think that growing up in this country with one asian parent is a tragedy, and two is just a nightmare. In asian culture everyone basically strives to be a small business owner or something of the like, something with a minor amount of respect and something that is totally boring and shitty. If any of you know me, you know that is not me. So you can see how my mom and I butt heads to the extreme nearly every day. She's at a point in her life where she's getting too old to work. She is getting arthritis really bad in her hands and since her job involves her hands she has been forced to resign to teaching others and trying to make money that way. However, that means in her home life she needs somebody to help around the house. Lord knows my brother and sister won't do shit, they're just like me, they think that school and instrument lessons are already too much (which to be fair, with the way my mom treats those things, they are), and my shitty ass step dad obviously doesn't do fucking anything at all except be a dick to my siblings, so that generally leaves things up to me.
Now this wouldn't normally be that big of a deal except for the fact that I'm under constant pressure to either go back to school or get a job, both of which not only feel like a waste of time to me, but also feel like giving up. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll still get a job just because I really, REALLY, need the money right now, but my last job left me with a bit of a salty taste in my mouth and again, if any of you know me, you know I'm not the kind of guy to give up TIME for MONEY, especially when it involves sucking someone else's dick for 10 hours a day doing something monotonous. But of course, my mom doesn't understand these things, and why should she? That's all she's done her entire life, and I appreciate that, but things are different for me. She worked her entire life for me to be able to chase my dreams so WHY ISN'T SHE FUCKING LETTING ME!!?
Ugh, I have so many frustrations right now. I need to get out of here. Living in my mom's basement is a living hell, and as soon as I get a job I can move out, so I guess that's what I have to do. But it feels so bad. It feels like resigning to a life of shit. And I feel like there's not one single person who relates to what I want, how I feel, or what I want from life.
And don't even get me started on girls. Do you know how hard it is to scrape together the courage to ask a girl out when you have no money and still live with your mom? It's impossible.
Maybe this was too much information but I've always been one for transparency.
- Marcus <3
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