Whales - Day 5

I'm gonna start off today with my personal favorite quote of the day.

"So she gave me some mom tips, because I mean, you're the first one, I don't know what I'm doing." - Mom

Then she continued to explain to me how not having debt was better than having debt. Her quote definitely fought it's way through a number of quotable quotes, namely, "Can I offer you some advice? Just whip it out. It's worked for me 4/5 times. And the fifth time she was just looking at my piercing anyway." - guy on WoW.

The World of Warcraft community can be great sometimes.

Some people have been wondering about the name of my little domain here. Honestly, I just kind of thought it up. I'm not sure how, maybe it was fated. But it does remind me of Jonah and the whale, which is a story I've always liked. Partially because the Veggie Tales version was awesome. But I like the idea of being in a completely hopeless situation and yet being saved anyway by some greater force. Also the fact that apparently whales don't have digestive fluids in their stomachs so if you get eaten by one you can just kind of walk around in there for a while until you get lonely.

I have recently been thinking about life spans and how they should affect how we live. My mom was talking to me about my step dad's mom who died of breast cancer at the age of 53, which also happens to be the fate of my grandmother. Except it was a different cancer. I think. Anyway, the more I think about it, if I were to undergo a similar fate then I'm already almost half way through with my life. And that is definitely a scary thought. The fact that you can potentially spend all your life preparing for the last part, and then never getting there. That's like if you go to a restaurant and you don't eat very much of the main course because you want to eat a lot of dessert, but then the dessert is celery. Now you're just hungry and sad, and you probably wished you had eaten more. Yet, every day we say "I'll pass on the potatoes" because we're just waiting for the dessert. Well, why can't you eat both, huh? Why can't you have steak AND cake? That would be fucking awesome. I love cake.

Which, by the way, reminds me that my dad is coming back tomorrow and I will be celebrating my birthday because he wasn't here on that day so I'm getting cake. And I'm gonna eat it, too. Take that, common phrases! I just looked a gift horse in the mouth AND bit the hand that feeds me.

I've also begun to have a recent obsession with Deadmau5. Mostly because I want to be him at concerts. Check it.

God, I wanna do that. I need some techno equipment. Some day, I will be the world's greatest cynic comedian/techno artist. SOME DAY. Oh, and also a Pokemon Master.

In not as important news, my mom made some cookies today. Devon says they're not very good, but I like them because they actually have some trace amounts of sugar in them. It's like, if you usually work for no pay, and then suddenly your boss pays you two bucks an hour. You're like "Fuck yeah, I'm hittin' up the club tonight and I'm gonna make it rain on these mufukkas" but everyone else is like "Getting paid two bucks an hour? Do I look Chinese to you?"

...

Get it? Because in China they don't get paid as much on average because they are suffering from an overpopulation problem. Ha.

You know what would be weird? If guys gave birth through their chests and fed babies with their penises and girls impregnated guys with their breasts. Woah. Bras would be condoms. And dildos would be bottles. Shit man, that's fucked up.

God, these cookies are good. And so is this orange soda. I felt obligated to draw you guys a picture, so I drew a cactus with a sun.

If you don't like it, then touch it. Get it? Because cacti are spiky and so if you touch them they hurt you and if you don't like my picture then I want you to get hurt. Bitch. I feel like you can add bitch as a separate sentence to the end of anything and make it sound cool.

I just ate some of grandma's home made cookies. Bitch.

Honey, I think I may have herpes. Bitch.

I just helped raise 10,000 dollars for a stem cell research fund! Bitch.

You can try your own, I'm sure you can come up with some more creative ones. Bitch.

I like Earthbound because it's the only store where you can buy salty lamps AND hermit crabs. Also any store that sells hermit crabs is okay in my book. Also I have a book. It's titled "Things That are Okay" by Marcus Mayhew.

TL;DR: I wish I could live my life inside a whale as Deadmau5 while playing with hermit crabs and looking gift horses in the mouth while marketing my book by eating sub par cookies. Bitch.

Your Platonic Lover,

Marcus.

Bitch.

Christmas - Day 4

It's Christmas! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!

I was actually pleasantly surprised by my Christmas. I wasn't expecting much at all, as we learned yesterday, but my step dad came to the rescue! I haven't talked to him hardly at all outside of "Hey Tod." and him kinda sorta teaching me to drive. But he got my 50 dollars for Christmas and made the Christmas dinner not suck by putting butter in stuff.

So he's alright in my book. Also, he has an iPad which is kinda cool. Also, for some reason, my mom got my siblings and I lottery tickets. Nobody got anything except I won another ticket, which I need to pick up tomorrow because THAT ONE COULD WIN ME TWO THOUSAND WASHINGTONS BITCH.

Then my step dad's family came over and my mom told me to shower and change shirts. But if this wasn't the occasion for a ripped up Zelda shirt, then what was? I also convinced myself that showering yesterday was the same thing as showering today.

As I came up to get food, I saw them, and they looked like regular white people. They had already met everyone else, and my mom just stared at me. "Can you say hi?" my mom told me. I could, but I'd rather get my food and be on my way, thank you very much. Then I ate the best damn mashed potatoes I've had in a long time. Then I went downstairs to play Monopoly with my brother and sister, and play World of Warcraft at the same time. It was great. DOUBLE GREAT. Also, I am a master at Monopoly when only playing with small children. Then they brought down some punch. wat. I tasted some. It tasted like cum. But not like I was drinking cum. Like my mouth came while I was drinking it. So I went and got some. You can tell me it's just Sierra Mist and Hawaiian Punch but I'll tell you that it's magic wine that Jesus stuck the tip of his penis in. I drank that shit up.

After I was done crushing at Monopoly, I played a ton of video games with my cousin. He argued religion with an uber Christian playing League of Legends on Christmas. It's funny because my cousin is a Christian, he just likes poking fun at people who have no idea what they're talking about. At one point, the argument went something like this.

"Do you think Hitler is evil?"

"Of course"

"Because he committed genocide, right?"

"Sure"

"God committed genocide by killing all the Egyptian first borns"

(this is where I pipe in)

"Also Moses"

(Marcus piping over)

"So God is evil, right?"

Silence...

It was pretty great watching him poke at someone's faith on Christmas day.

So at the end of the day I came out with a belly full of great food, some money, and the prospects of my dad coming home soon. Life is relatively good.

Oh, also, sorry for releasing Day 4 so late, but it is Christmas and I did a lot of stuff today. Well, a relatively large amount of stuff, anyway.

I'm thirsty, I'm gonna go get some more Christ Cum. Man, that would make a great energy drink name. Or Jesus Jizz.

Alright, I'm back. I saw a bottle of wine next to the bowl and I got excited because I thought maybe my mom poured some in, but she didn't. :[

Oh God, my brother is watching some video and all of a sudden I hear "CAUSE YOUR THE BEST, AROUND" I fucking love that song. Just give it a listen as we continue.

It's even better because it's the Karate Kid. I like this video because he beats a black kid in the lamest short fight ever.

God, I wish I could make money doing this blog thing. Maybe I'll sell you guys some buttons. Is that what you kids like nowadays, buttons and shit? Back in my day we had to pick between buttons OR shit. Now you kids get both? There's no justice these days.

You know who's cool as shit? Batman. You know why? Because he doesn't have a super power. He was like "Hey, I wanna do that." And he fucking did. He was like "I've got gadgets and shit! KERPOW!" and Spiderman was like "oh I just got bit by a spider one day, lol" and Superman is like "I'm an alien, teehee". Batman would win a super hero fight because he would pay Morgan Freeman to janitor him up some anti-super hero hat that is fucking cool looking.

Yeah, that's right, that shit has three lasers. And look how happy it makes Batman. He doesn't even have to look at who he's fighting to know that he's fine. You know why? Because he's the best around.

Alrighty, it's late and I want to get this thing to you guys so, I hope you had a great Christmas and have a great break.

Your guardian angel that watches you way too often,

Marcus

I'm Cold - Day 3

"Are you okay down there?"

"No, mom, it's cold!"

"Put on some pants then!"

"Fuck you, mom."

IT'S FRIGGIN COLD IN THIS BASEMENT. I've been going to bed at the early time of midnight these past couple nights, and not so much that I've been tired, it's because my basement is a meat locker and at midnight I start to feel the effects of hypothermia setting in.

Anyway, it's Christmas Eve and I'm feeling a sever lack of excitement. My maternal unit decided that we wouldn't put up a tree, do presents, or celebrate Christmas hardly at all this year. Instead I get to hide from strangers all day and shove my annoyance of how Koreans always touch you into the nether regions of my mind.

Christmas is an interesting day. Like, if you look at it from a more objective point of view, it's kinda weird. Like how everything shuts down on that one day and everyone stays home and buys each other stuff. All the tradition surrounding it is so followed. It's like... woah man. Christmas and stuff. I also haven't had the opportunity to listen to Christmas music that most people are already sick of. What a shame.

Consumerism seems to be a big deal during the Christmas season. We get to watch people fight over things to buy their toddlers from the day of Black Friday all the way till January. I don't really get it though. I feel like to get someone a truly good gift you shouldn't know what they wanted, but because everyone wants to get the right thing, they pass out lists. Well, what's the point in that? "Here, I got you this thing you wanted and knew I was going to buy you, which normally is a shitty way to get someone something, but because it's Christmas that's okay, right?" Jesus would be ashamed. Or is ashamed. I dunno, he's dead and alive at the same time. Maybe it's just America. Maybe we just like buying things. Just kidding, I know we like buying things. BECAUSE WE FUCKING CAN. Here's a picture to diagram this situation.

A masterpiece if I do say so myself. Also, I'm completely in love with this quote from Jon LaJoie AKA MC Vagina.

"To celebrate my birth, give what little you have to wealthy people in exchange for material goods made by the poor" Jesus

I just realized I have been sitting in this chair for a long ass time. Oh well, no point in stopping now.

Oh yeah, yesterday I was watching Blizzcon 2010 footage, and this is when I started to finally figure out that I'm just really turned on by nerdy things. Dance contest. Orc female. My male hormones went crazy. Nuff said.

One day I'll find a girl, and her facebook will say "I play WoW, am attractive, and I'm looking for a cynic to fuck." And I will say "sup baby gurl, word on the street is you like cynics who play WoW and stuff." and she will say "ya man let's get in on right now" and I will say "this is facebook we can't get it on" and she will say "oh, right, well let's meet somewhere and then get it on" and then we will. And then I'll wake up with wet bed sheets. But I'll be tired so I'll lay there for a little while anyway.

Shit I'm cold. Do you ever stick your hands in your pants to keep them warm then realize that you can't type when you do that so you wish you could grow two more hands so you can type but then you realize that doesn't work because then your new hands would be cold? Because that sounds like something from Scrubs.

Guh, I can't think of anything to write about because I haven't done anything today because it's Christmas so everyone is out of town because nobody is like "No, I'll leave here for Springfield, it's fine."

Anyway, I think I'm done for today. But don't worry, we'll talk tomorrow baby ;]

Sexily,

Marcus

Hats - Day 2

Winter break has begun. And so has boredom. I am thankful for the current relatively positive response to my blog thus far, and we are off with day 2.

Firstly, I would like to address yesterday's post. Apparently some found it... LESS THAN STELLAR!

...

I am ashamed of that pun, yet proud at the same time.

Anyway, here's what I have to say about that.

Boo fucking hoo. I said something about your small time dance crew. I said I didn't like it. I'm sorry if you think you perform perfectly every single time and everyone loves you, maybe you should get your head out of the clouds. Take criticism like a legitimate performer would, and improve based on it, don't just run around with this "BUT MY MOMMY LIKED IT SO IT'S OBVIOUSLY PERFECT" mentality. I don't mean to hate on them this much, because I do like that they wanted to do something and put themselves out there to do it. But that doesn't mean I have to think they are good. Just like I can think a video advocating for North Korea is poorly made without being insensible to the plight of the North Korean people. Anyway, I don't regret anything I said, and I still stand by it.

Anyway, I seem to be in a rage-y mood today because I woke up too early. So let's continue this trend, shall we?

(inb4 GOD MARCUS ALL YOU TALK ABOUT IS VIDEO GAMES, just fucking read the thing)

I played a ranked game of League of Legends today. Some guy has the balls to say that we only won because of him, I argue that you can't win by yourself and our entire team did well. He is a close minded piece of shit. If there's anything in this world that renews my "everyone is stupid" meter, it's the following things:

League of Legends PuGs

Youtube comments

PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT SUBSTANCE HAS A FUCKING SUBSTITUTE

TANGENT TIME!!!

Substance seems to be something that lacks in just about everything nowadays. The two examples I can think of right now are Stellar Crew and memes. Stellar Crew, simply because they think that gimmicks can cover up things. Memes because they substitute wit. Memes give people who aren't funny or clever an out to being funny AND clever. Why? What makes a person funny because they read something somewhere and used it how it was supposed to be used? That's like saying "Woah, that guy is driving a car, he really knows how to use machinery." Not really, because he's just driving it because he knows that's what you do with a car, and everyone else is also driving a car.

TL;DR: Memes are cars.

I also feel like wit is less valued because of things like this. It's like if people had rocket shoes and could suddenly fly, we wouldn't appreciate birds for being able to fly anymore. We'd just be like "Fuck you bird, outta my way!" and then move on.

And God forbid you poop on anyone's parade because then they have to venture outside of their happy bubble and do something worthwhile! They just want to be happy with their parade and think that's all there is to life.

Well, I got some news for you sister. I'm a bird, and I'm not gonna put up with your fucking rocket shoes because I've gotta take a giant dump on this sad ass parade balloon.

TL;DR: Shitters gonna shit.

I'm reminded of the song Bulls on Parade by Rage Against the Machine. Listen to this song for the duration of the blog.

I wanna burn something now. Too bad it's -20 degrees in my basement because my mom thinks a fire place upstairs is a replacement for heating.

I think I want to rant about playing the victim now. I hate how everyone does it. Namely in situations where it couldn't apply. For example, we have a smart young man here. His name is Alfred. Alfred is a smart student who always has good grades in his classes. He has a test in his Calculus class tomorrow, so he studies for six hours. A bit much, to say the least. He comes to school the next day, and after taking the test he tells his friends "Oh my god, I did so bad on that test I wasn't prepared at all!"

Bull.

Fucking.

Shit.

Shut up, Alfred. Nobody gives a rats ass if you think you're some poor unfortunate soul

(queue music)

because you ONLY got to study SIX HOURS between getting accepted to Harvard and bed time. You probably got the highest grade in the class, and your status will remain the same. Even if AFTER YOU GET YOUR TEST BACK YOU SAY YOU DID POORLY. Seriously, when was the last time you hear someone say "I feel prepared for this because I studied an adequate amount and comprehended most of the basic concepts." IB only matters to get the diploma, the diploma only matters to get into college, college only matters to get the diploma. Adequacy is your friend. Over achieving is excessive.

Anyway, I'm gonna take my anger out on some bugs or my brother or something.

Sincerely with love and affection,

Marcus <3

Winter Sports Assembly - Day 1

Today was the last day before winter break. Sounds great. Assembly? Also sounds great. Oh wait, they're trying to make it funny. Bleh. I'm just gonna throw this out there, if you want to be funny, then be funny.

Assembly Part 1: Singing is all nice and well. Mr. Martin had a kilt. Hairy legs are had by all.

Assembly Part 2: Jordan does stand up. Or what he calls stand up. I like Jordan, but he's not funny. ESPECIALLY WHEN HE TAKES OTHER PEOPLE'S MATERIAL! For those of you unaware, the stomach bit, the scatter brain bit, and the ventriloquism bit is by Jonathan Thymius, however, this bit works because of Jonathan's off beat character.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/161189/last-comic-standing-off-beat-on-target

Assembly Part 3: A spirit war that isn't really a spirit war. It's more like a "let's ask trivia questions lol" type of thing. It really could have been eliminated completely, and it probably should have.

Assembly Part 4: OH MY GAWD ITS STELLAR CREW WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUU

oh wait they're not good.

The first time they did okay because they were able to successfully rip off the Jabbawockeez and nobody was the wiser. This time they did their own thing, and bombed pretty hard in my opinion. The phone gimmick didn't work, the Michael Jackson tribute wasn't good, it just... blech. This just further proves the philosophy that you don't have to be good at something to get anywhere with it.

Assembly Part 5: I get distracted with my own penis but Mr. K does his hand song thing which was, honestly, the most impressive thing of the day.

Further Ranting:

Mrs. Florez has a stick in her ass. But she put it there. wut. -5 muffin points

Mr. Friesen is awesome because we get to listen to the Tron soundtrack in class. +5 muffin points.

Mrs. Roberts gives me lots of candy. +5 muffin points.

Mrs. Gray has us watch a movie. Nobody watches the movie. +2 muffin points.

I tell Mrs. McIntyre about my egg metaphor. It is awesome. +5 muffin points.

TANGENT TIME!!! :D:D:D

The egg metaphor explained: You get 12 eggs. Eggs represent how interested in a person you are. You put your eggs in baskets. Girls are baskets. Or guys I guess. So your egg distribution could look something like this:

A: OOOOO

B: OOO

C: OO

D: O

E: O

In this situation, girl A is where it's at. She's the one you got cha eye on. Girl B is pretty cool too. Girl C is okay, and you would go on a date with her. Girls D and E get the short end of the stick, but you still wanna do 'em. Now, obviously, how much you like the girls is relative, meaning that if one girl has five eggs, that could mean something or it could not mean anything based on other girls and how many eggs they have. It's a very nice system.

Anyway, uh, rants and stuff. Hm, I feel like ranting about girls. You can invest any amount of time, money, and YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE FORCE and you will never get anything out of it. It will earn you no priority. They will drop you like the toy you are.

TOY ANALOGY TIME!!

A little girl gets a new toy. She plays with it. She loves it. She tells it she's going to play with it forever. Obvious bullshit is obvious. But the toy doesn't care! It's never been played with, and it loves the time. The little girl breaks the toys leg off by doing something stupid. She doesn't feel like putting it back. She gets a new toy, and gives it the same BS. The toy lays broken forever, and someone else may come along and pick it up, and fix it, and play with it, but the little girl wrote her name on the toy, and this new kid may try and write their name over it, but it's never going to be the same.

That's not obvious at all. Har.

OH YEAH, SINCE WE'RE ON THE TOPIC OF PERIODS

Guy periods would be preventable through masturbation with the assistance of reverse tampons. So, ladies, masturbate more for the sake of guys.

Also I wrote a story about a Christmas tree. I might put it on facebook, probably not though.

Alright, well, I'm sure most of you are bored to death right now, but I feel great. So I'm gonna do some stuff.

-From Marcus with love.