Day 65 - Cosmic

I think the fact that nobody knows who I am can actually be used to my advantage. It's all about the positive spin, right? So instead of "no friends" I can turn it into "mysterious lone wolf". Yeah. Bad ass.

I went and saw a comedy thing tonight. It kind of reminded me that I want to be a comedian, I'm not sure if I have it in me but I'd like to get into it regardless. I need to start writing shit down and maybe I can go to an open mic night or something, who knows. I'd like that to not be one of those dreams that I just kind of forgot about or stopped trying to attain.

I need to start posting music and stuff again. I have some ideas for this blog. If you guys have anything you wanna see here then just let me know somehow, I'm pretty open to suggestions because I know you guys don't want to listen to me complain about my teenager problems all the time.

Sorry for the short blog, I have ideas for tomorrow and beyond already and I'd like to sit on them a bit longer before I break them out. Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.

-Marcus

I dont think people realize what its like to just fucking hate everything. The fact that anything you look at, even things you like, you just look at it and there's that subtle feeling of disdain and bitterness. The feeling of frustration that comes from all that. I just can't put up with it. I'm losing my fucking mind. I just feel like nobody relates. Nobody really thinks the same way I do. Nobody has ever agreed with me. they just nod the head and agree. nobody gets that im so frustrated with things that i have nothing else to do but hit myself on the head and cry and hope that some day ill wake up and ill have a completely new outlook on things or that ill have finally made myself dumb enough to just be fucking happy and content with everything around me for no fucking reason. im just really upset and frustrated and nobody wants to talk about it or help me and frankly i think its better for everyone if that stays that way. i dont even know why im writing this, i guess i just get comfort knowing its not as insane as talking to myself. i dont know if its good or bad that i pour myself out so much. probably bad. people frown upon that kind of thing. nobody wants to hear about me. what the fuck did i ever do except be an ass and complain, right? its not like i dont understand why nobody talks to me. i get it. you're completely right. i guess thats where some of this comes from, the fact that i know everyone is right. i just dont even know what to do anymore. i spend most of my time trying to occupy myself so i feel happy for a bit. never works for very long.

Day 64 - Seek

I think one of my biggest problems is that I have two conflicting opinions. On one hand I really wish I could be happy. I really wish that I could just live ignorantly or whatever and just be happy with what was around me. On the other hand, I don't think I should stifle my own thoughts. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm the kinda person who just speaks my mind and doesn't hold anything back. While this may have cost me quite a few social encounters and gotten me into some trouble I don't regret my decision. See, the thing is, its kind of hard to be happy if you think everything is shitty. And while I have the potential to try and fix my own state of mind I still would just look around me and somewhere I would be thinking the same things I always have. I don't think I could live like that.

I feel like if you are put into a situation where you are forced to change something about yourself to feel content with your life, then something is wrong with the world around you.

I really just feel like everything is going to shit and people are just trying to ignore it. If you look around at the people walking near you its like they are just trying to shut everything out. We have so many things now to block sensory input from the environment around you. I wouldn't be surprised if in the future it was just customary to wear a big enclosed helmet around.

I feel like if you look around and everyone is just looking down at their phones then something is wrong with either the world around them, or the people themselves. I think its probably a lot of both.

Anyway, rant number 2 is about how easily people seem to discard their values nowadays. I really just hate how easy it is for people to change their minds with little to no justification. People always hold so strongly to their values at any given point, and will defend them as long as they can, yet at any time they can just decide they no longer think that and they just wanna do the complete opposite. We live in a generation where people just like to pick and choose from a list of things and I think people tend to do this with their values quite often. If one value becomes inconvenient or to their disliking then they simply drop it and pick up a new one. I'm not really describing this very well, but I'm sure you get the gist of it.


I'm so glad that I was gifted with the knowledge that everything sucks, the ability to get angry about it, and the complete lack of motivation to do anything about it except moan and bitch and complain. It's really great.


I dunno. I've been thinking about a lot of things and a lot of people think I am wrong and I don't even feel good about anything anymore. I had a couple lighthearted things to say, but I don't really remember what they are. I guess I'll save those things some other time.


Nobody will read this.


Marcus