day 72 - ma-rc+us

If there was one thing I could change about how I was raised its that I wish nobody ever told me I was smart. Practically everybody did when I was a kid. My parents were so proud that reading came easy to me, teachers were always praising me for being the smart kid, friends of family would mention it as well. I really wish they had all just shut the fuck up and minded their own business. I wasn't smart. I didn't even know how to do anything, how could I be smart? I was a fucking kid. Kids aren't smart. Kids can't do shit. Kids don't know how the government works, kids don't know how people act to each other, kids don't know the history of the world, what we know about science and what that implies, they don't know any of that stuff. Why do you think they're all so god damn happy? Anyway, I wish nobody would have ever told me I was smart. I wish what I was told was this:

'Marcus, you are good at learning. A great deal of things exist on this Earth, and you have the potential to learn a lot of it, which some others cannot do. Right now, you are a child, you don't know nearly as many things as adults do. A lot happens to a person as they get older, and so many adults know a lot, but that does not mean that they are good at learning. If you use your ability to learn, you will become smarter.'



I'm not sure what else to say now. I really wish school wasn't everything, because there's so much more to life, but anytime anyone talks to me its about school. For once I don't want to talk about school, I don't want to be judged by my grades, I don't want a person to discredit me just because I have a hard time finding motivation to do school work.


A dilemma I run into a lot recently is that if I killed myself it wouldn't be much better than what's happening now, so I might as well just wait and see if someday something happens that makes it all worth it. If not, then at least I waited and saw and then I can go out knowing that life really was just a bunch of shit.


- Marcus

day 71 - the circle of life

I'm having a problem recently. I hate school. I don't enjoy it. I hate classes, I hate homework, I hate having to talk to teachers. I hate having to fill out paperwork. I hate getting emails about all this money I have to pay and I have no idea what to do about it. I hate having so much shit to take care of. I can see why people lose sight of everything in their lives, its so easy when you have so much shit that doesn't matter put in front of you. People say you should do what you want and you should do it now, but the problem is I don't really want to go to college. But I know everyone says that they regret going to college or that its really important to go to college. When people ask me about my major they ask me what I want to do with my life. Well if I was completely honest what I want to do with my life can't be put under a college major, or if it can it doesn't need one. I also hate how I'm watching myself go into debt. And everyone is just cheering me right on down. I'm so conflicted. I'm trying to improve myself and make myself happy but at the same time I feel bad because I don't want to everyone to just look at me as the guy who failed out of college because he was too lazy or what have you. I don't know what to do and I feel like I have nobody to ask. I feel like its too big of a decision for me. Life is hitting me right in the gut and I can't do anything but stagger around and wait for it to hit me again. Everything is telling me I don't want to be here and yet here I am.

day 70 - vlog2

day 69 - vlog

im gonna hit my head until i reach this ignorance called bliss

day 68 - why my english class sucks

i was worried that maybe i was getting dumber recently but today changed all of that. today in english we discussed what my class thought were important social issues.

these are the issues folks

immigration - how do we meet our quota? how do we protect our borders better? why is there even a process to get in? (yes, those are all questions that go together and don't conflict with each other)

kony 2012 - is it our business to help? where is he now? (first of all, if you've talked about kony non sarcastically in the last month, go die in a fire. secondly, is it our business to help small african children? did you really just ask that? all i can imagine is some white man feeding an african baby with a bottle and some white woman saying "oh terry, please stop doing that, if you keep interacting with it the mother will never take it back". )

legal drugs vs illegal drugs (nobody actually cared about this but the guy who brought the topic up went on a rant about weed, which i agreed with, but he was still a dumbass. also a conservative guy made sure to let everyone know he thought dumbass #1 was wrong.)


school overcrowding (unfortunately the least important issue got the most legitimate discussion)

legal drinking age - why 21? what would happen if it was 18? (i was legitimately surprised that nobody had any inkling as to why the drinking age was 21. also ill tell you what would happen if the drinking age was 18. people would start drinking at age 18 just like the rest of the fucking world you ignorant american sheltered farm animal.)

i dont even remember the last topic we talked about as a class, i was too busy crying on the inside.




also you know you have a great english teacher when she has to ask the class what the difference between 'affect' and 'effect'.


- marcus

Day 67 - Sure

I've been feeling oddly motivated recently. I'm going to try my best to convert this positive energy into something worthwhile for my life. I'm feeling myself oddly familiar with my high school freshman and sophomore mentality and I think I'm going to try and take some pages from that and some pages from now and combine them.

I started to think about my birthday and christmas and I think if there was anything expensive I wanted it would be like a camera or a video camera. Or maybe a new computer. I feel like these thoughts are really selfish to have but at the same time they are things that I want to explore different things so I don't think its as bad.

I'm going to try and start being more honest with myself. I think I'm going to try and start doing what I think.

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure." - Bill Cosby





This is something I wrote, I'm not sure if its good



the things around me are rotting away

the ground beneath me changes

im finding things hard to hold on to

and thats why when i find you

ill hold tight like my life means it





- marcus