Waiting is lonliness - Day 53

Day one of school.

Promptness

Politeness

Prepared

Productive

Positive

Also known as the five P's of indoctrination.

Not sleeping is taking its toll.

-8:08 AM

My tummy hurts

-8:10 AM

Is mayonnaise an instrument?

-8:34 AM

Adults at central = all retarded

-9:35 AM

Someone being offended at the word retarded because they know someone who is retarded is like being offended if someone says asian because you know someone who is asian.

-10:50 AM

In the counselor's office. Teachers, parents, people in general, all stupid. Counselors are not efficient at all.

-12:19 PM

Feeling really bad. Physically. WTF, physical fitness.

- 1:19 PM

Attendance nerf

- 1:53 PM

Fading. So tired.

- 2:14 PM

Trippin' balls. Ability to function deteriorating. Must sleep soon.

- 2:55 PM

Also, I like seals. They're good people.

- 2:55 PM

School makes me lonely no matter what happens.

- 2:57 PM

People really are all alone. Sometimes you're just alone with other people.

-2:58 PM

I wish I knew what time it is.

- 2:59 PM

Waiting isn't much fun.

- 3:01 PM

I just checked the time. It's actually 3:19.

- 3:19 PM

yay school.

Hasn't slept for a long ass time so forgot how to use these closing thingies,

Marcus ♥

Night - Day 52

I don't really see what the down side to this whole being nocturnal thing is. I get to be left alone for my entire period of consciousness and since I have this everpresent ability to not get along with people it let's me get out of peoples' ways and they out of mine. I also like it because I usually wake up during a REM cycle and I can remember my dreams easier. For the past two nights I've had pretty nifty dreams that I've remembered. It also give you this really trippy feeling when you first wake up because you don't know if it's a dream or not and stuff. I might even transition this into that thing where you take five 20 minute naps of pure REM sleep and that's the only sleep you need. And I could just do that through the school year. I would totally be down. Also, it's almost five AM at the moment, I might not even sleep tonight as I'm still not tired.

In the night,

Marcus ♥

Wells - Day 51

And we continue to descend into the endless well of darkness. The small, fragile, spiral wooden staircase leading forever downward. Each step disappears into the nothing as we lift our feet from it. The light above dwindles, we soon forget what light even looked like. This damp dark place is now all we know. One thing can remind us, though. The well's bucket can retrieve us from the depth and return us to the surface, if only we could find it. At times it seems that we can see it, but it is merely that we have hoped for it so much that what was there was just as much nothing as there had always been. And so we walk downward, ever downward into the well, trying to remember from where we came. And waiting for the bucket, to save us from the well.

Day 50

Fuck this shit. I'm so fucking done with everything. People will remember the name Marcus Samuel Mayhew IV for one reason or another.

Tiny Marbles - Day 49

A boy had come to an inner clearing of wood where a flowing river ran. He peered over his shoulder. The woods were grey with fog. He turned back and got down on one knee, his eyes glazed. He dipped his hand in the water and scooped some out. The water seemed black and old, as if it taken many years for it to come to this spot in the river. He put the water back. The ground around him was muddy yet firm. He sat down and dipped his feet in the river. The water was cold and empty. His gaze shifted to the ground next to him where he found a modest pile of tiny marbles. The marbles were all different colors. Some were speckled with bright colors, some were dull shades of earthy tones, and some were entirely translucent. He picked them up and examined them each individually. As he judged each one, he would do one of two things. If he did not like the marble, he would throw it in the river, condemning the marble to lay and stumble in the black fog of the water. If he considered the marble one of his favorites, then he laid it down on his other side. He did this one by one, looking at each marble for a very long time before finally deciding if it was worth keeping. Each distant splash thrashed with effort and ceased, ending as suddenly as it had begun. When the boy was done, he stood up in the increasing fog. He looked at the marbles next to him and bent to pick them up. The mud cracked and the marbles fell into the water. The boy froze and could not believe his misfortune. He stood back up and walked back into the woods. He looked back over his shoulder one last time across the river and saw a glint through the fog. A pile of tiny marbles on the other side.

Looking at marbles,
Marcus <3

Illusions and Depression - Day 48

I've recently come to find that maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. I was told the other day that depressed people are depressed because they see the world for what it is. I like to think that this is true. And it makes sense.

But guys, I have a confession. I fell for some BS philosophy and I preached it forth to you guys. Positive thinking is bull shit. Not that thinking positively doesn't help, but the fact that positive thinking will make you successful and happy. I still think that it might, but maybe that conflicts with seeing things how they really are. I think that seeing things for what they really are leads you to experience a more genuine happiness. You are happy because you the situation around you made it so that you are happy. What I was thinking before was that maybe happiness came from deluding yourself into thinking you are happy. And I still think this is attainable, but maybe not what I want.

Society pressures you into finding success and happiness. Society has deluded itself into thinking there is happiness there. People who follow this assumption will become successful in that society, they will become happy. And I'm okay with that. I'm all for anyone and everyone being happy for as long as they live.

However, people who refuse to look at that society in this way become underwhelmed with it. They seem to think that they are wrong, and society tells them that they are looking at things the wrong way. The lack of success creates a depression. The fact that society discourages intelligence is no secret, and this is really just further evidence of this.

I dunno, what do I know. I'm just an angsty teenager that thinks everyone else is stupid because I'm full of hormones that make me think that, right? There's no way in fuck I could be right.

Stereotypes are cool. People are cool.

Also I wish people were easier to ignore. Or that it was easier to tell people they're retarded.

Bork.

Long time no rant,
Marcus <3

dododo - Day 47