day 75 - mind

its quite a good possibility that i'll just be alone forever. trying to come to terms with that. trying to come to terms with a lot of things about myself i guess. life is about to change and i have to make some choices but we'll see. my track record of things working out is still none. looked back at some of my old posts from a year ago or so and i still feel the same. nothing is working out, and i hate everything. i almost feel like everything bores me and nothing is worth it at all. whatever, i guess its just me, right?

day 74 - remeeting

getting reacquainted with some old friends: hopelessness, crushed, and self-loathing

day 73 - post

I'm getting carried away. I'm being stupid. Life doesn't work that way. Should I listen to life? Life hasn't been very kind to me in the past. Not sure what to think. Better try.

day 72 - ma-rc+us

If there was one thing I could change about how I was raised its that I wish nobody ever told me I was smart. Practically everybody did when I was a kid. My parents were so proud that reading came easy to me, teachers were always praising me for being the smart kid, friends of family would mention it as well. I really wish they had all just shut the fuck up and minded their own business. I wasn't smart. I didn't even know how to do anything, how could I be smart? I was a fucking kid. Kids aren't smart. Kids can't do shit. Kids don't know how the government works, kids don't know how people act to each other, kids don't know the history of the world, what we know about science and what that implies, they don't know any of that stuff. Why do you think they're all so god damn happy? Anyway, I wish nobody would have ever told me I was smart. I wish what I was told was this:

'Marcus, you are good at learning. A great deal of things exist on this Earth, and you have the potential to learn a lot of it, which some others cannot do. Right now, you are a child, you don't know nearly as many things as adults do. A lot happens to a person as they get older, and so many adults know a lot, but that does not mean that they are good at learning. If you use your ability to learn, you will become smarter.'



I'm not sure what else to say now. I really wish school wasn't everything, because there's so much more to life, but anytime anyone talks to me its about school. For once I don't want to talk about school, I don't want to be judged by my grades, I don't want a person to discredit me just because I have a hard time finding motivation to do school work.


A dilemma I run into a lot recently is that if I killed myself it wouldn't be much better than what's happening now, so I might as well just wait and see if someday something happens that makes it all worth it. If not, then at least I waited and saw and then I can go out knowing that life really was just a bunch of shit.


- Marcus

day 71 - the circle of life

I'm having a problem recently. I hate school. I don't enjoy it. I hate classes, I hate homework, I hate having to talk to teachers. I hate having to fill out paperwork. I hate getting emails about all this money I have to pay and I have no idea what to do about it. I hate having so much shit to take care of. I can see why people lose sight of everything in their lives, its so easy when you have so much shit that doesn't matter put in front of you. People say you should do what you want and you should do it now, but the problem is I don't really want to go to college. But I know everyone says that they regret going to college or that its really important to go to college. When people ask me about my major they ask me what I want to do with my life. Well if I was completely honest what I want to do with my life can't be put under a college major, or if it can it doesn't need one. I also hate how I'm watching myself go into debt. And everyone is just cheering me right on down. I'm so conflicted. I'm trying to improve myself and make myself happy but at the same time I feel bad because I don't want to everyone to just look at me as the guy who failed out of college because he was too lazy or what have you. I don't know what to do and I feel like I have nobody to ask. I feel like its too big of a decision for me. Life is hitting me right in the gut and I can't do anything but stagger around and wait for it to hit me again. Everything is telling me I don't want to be here and yet here I am.

day 70 - vlog2

day 69 - vlog

im gonna hit my head until i reach this ignorance called bliss

day 68 - why my english class sucks

i was worried that maybe i was getting dumber recently but today changed all of that. today in english we discussed what my class thought were important social issues.

these are the issues folks

immigration - how do we meet our quota? how do we protect our borders better? why is there even a process to get in? (yes, those are all questions that go together and don't conflict with each other)

kony 2012 - is it our business to help? where is he now? (first of all, if you've talked about kony non sarcastically in the last month, go die in a fire. secondly, is it our business to help small african children? did you really just ask that? all i can imagine is some white man feeding an african baby with a bottle and some white woman saying "oh terry, please stop doing that, if you keep interacting with it the mother will never take it back". )

legal drugs vs illegal drugs (nobody actually cared about this but the guy who brought the topic up went on a rant about weed, which i agreed with, but he was still a dumbass. also a conservative guy made sure to let everyone know he thought dumbass #1 was wrong.)


school overcrowding (unfortunately the least important issue got the most legitimate discussion)

legal drinking age - why 21? what would happen if it was 18? (i was legitimately surprised that nobody had any inkling as to why the drinking age was 21. also ill tell you what would happen if the drinking age was 18. people would start drinking at age 18 just like the rest of the fucking world you ignorant american sheltered farm animal.)

i dont even remember the last topic we talked about as a class, i was too busy crying on the inside.




also you know you have a great english teacher when she has to ask the class what the difference between 'affect' and 'effect'.


- marcus

Day 67 - Sure

I've been feeling oddly motivated recently. I'm going to try my best to convert this positive energy into something worthwhile for my life. I'm feeling myself oddly familiar with my high school freshman and sophomore mentality and I think I'm going to try and take some pages from that and some pages from now and combine them.

I started to think about my birthday and christmas and I think if there was anything expensive I wanted it would be like a camera or a video camera. Or maybe a new computer. I feel like these thoughts are really selfish to have but at the same time they are things that I want to explore different things so I don't think its as bad.

I'm going to try and start being more honest with myself. I think I'm going to try and start doing what I think.

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure." - Bill Cosby





This is something I wrote, I'm not sure if its good



the things around me are rotting away

the ground beneath me changes

im finding things hard to hold on to

and thats why when i find you

ill hold tight like my life means it





- marcus

Look up, Kid - Day 66

Hi everyone. After a sleepy filled Sunday I decided that since there's not much else I can do I should probably give you guys some content to look at. I've actually been getting a lot of kind words about my blog and its really motivating me to come up with stuff to write about. I tried to come up with a list of my Top 10 movies, but I could only think of seven that I really consider to be my favorite movies, so I'll just put them and write about them. I also used to post a lot of music, and I stopped doing that, so here's a few songs of varying category. EDIT: YouTube embedding sucks because YouTube sucks so I'm just going to have to post links :\

Rap

The happiest EDM song you'll ever hear

Modest Mouse (I can't stop listening to this song)

Pretty Lights (Saw him last week, enjoyed this song thoroughly)

That's probably good enough for now. On to movies!


TOP 7 (In no order)


Jeff, Who Lives at Home

I just saw this movie on Wednesday, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. The movie is a comedy with a bit of dark humor that deals with cosmic destiny and the "everything happens for a reason" mentality. The movie also has some surprisingly emotional moments with lots of "life sucks" moments that you are sure to relate to because you too live an underwhelming life!




The Living Wake

An older favorite I first watched a couple summers ago on Hulu. As some of you may know, my favorite actor is Jesse Eisenberg, and this movie is one of the reasons why. The movie is about a man who finds he is to die on a specific day and so he holds his own wake while he is alive. The movie is light-hearted, humorous, musical, and at times dark. There are very many quotable lines and easy to love characters, and I would highly recommend this movie.




Poetry

Poetry is a korean movie that is so fucking good. The movie's central character is an old woman battling Alzheimer's who begins to take a poetry class. The movie has many themes and subjects, and they are honestly hard to put into words. The movie is definitely takes its time, and at 2 hrs and 20 mins that may be a deterrent to some, but please trust me when I say that at the end you will not regret it at all. The movie is haunting, deep, and of course poetic. I give this movie all of my praise. If you like well thought movies, or if you just like korean people, this is definitely worth looking at.




Adventureland

A movie that a lot of you probably already know, this is one of my all time favorites. I'm a pretty big sucker for a good teenager movie, and this is my personal favorite. Taking place in the 80's, Adventureland details the teenage romance of two amusement park workers. I really love everything about this movie. There isn't too much to say, it is what it is. Hopefully if you haven't seen this movie you'll like it as much as I do.




God Bless America

This movie was just released on Netflix, and if you haven't seen it, I would suggest you do so. This movie follows a middle aged man who decides that before ending his typical american middle class failure life, he wants to go on a killing spree murdering people that he believes to be detrimental to society as a whole. This includes mostly TV personalities, but also includes all those annoying people we run into day to day. This movie is a dark comedy, which is just my kind of movie. I loved this movie so much when I watched it. So much.




Humboldt County

A film about a med student who is failed by the head of the department, his father. He is then whisked away to a remote plot of land, on which the owners grow pot. The movie is about his journey to discover what his priorities in life really are. While weed is a primary subject of the movie, it is in no way a stoner movie. Watch this movie if you enjoy counter culture and the idea that there are many ways a person can live and be fulfilled.




Leaves of Grass

Edward Norton plays two twin brothers, one a classics professor at a prestigious university, the other a small time pot grower in a small hick town in Oklahoma. Leaves of Grass is a very philosophical movie and one of my favorite movie scenes is from this movie. I really need to rewatch this movie, because I can't think of anything else to write about it, but its really good!




Zombieland

Zombies. I love zombies. And Jesse Eisenberg. I could watch this movie forever. Sometimes I'm not sure why I enjoy it so much, but I really do. Most people have heard of/seen this movie, and its just a zombie movie anyway, so I'm not going to say anything about it.




Anyway, that's it. Seven of my favorite movies. If you want to check them out, please look them up on rotten tomatoes or imdb or something, my blurbs do not do them justice!




Anyway, I guess I'll talk a bit now. I've been in Springfield for the weekend and I actually feel like I wasted a lot of the weekend, but I also had a lot of fun with some people I haven't seen in a while, so it was nice. I also really wish money wasn't a thing, because I hate having to always worry about it.


That's all for today.


Marcus

Day 65 - Cosmic

I think the fact that nobody knows who I am can actually be used to my advantage. It's all about the positive spin, right? So instead of "no friends" I can turn it into "mysterious lone wolf". Yeah. Bad ass.

I went and saw a comedy thing tonight. It kind of reminded me that I want to be a comedian, I'm not sure if I have it in me but I'd like to get into it regardless. I need to start writing shit down and maybe I can go to an open mic night or something, who knows. I'd like that to not be one of those dreams that I just kind of forgot about or stopped trying to attain.

I need to start posting music and stuff again. I have some ideas for this blog. If you guys have anything you wanna see here then just let me know somehow, I'm pretty open to suggestions because I know you guys don't want to listen to me complain about my teenager problems all the time.

Sorry for the short blog, I have ideas for tomorrow and beyond already and I'd like to sit on them a bit longer before I break them out. Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.

-Marcus

I dont think people realize what its like to just fucking hate everything. The fact that anything you look at, even things you like, you just look at it and there's that subtle feeling of disdain and bitterness. The feeling of frustration that comes from all that. I just can't put up with it. I'm losing my fucking mind. I just feel like nobody relates. Nobody really thinks the same way I do. Nobody has ever agreed with me. they just nod the head and agree. nobody gets that im so frustrated with things that i have nothing else to do but hit myself on the head and cry and hope that some day ill wake up and ill have a completely new outlook on things or that ill have finally made myself dumb enough to just be fucking happy and content with everything around me for no fucking reason. im just really upset and frustrated and nobody wants to talk about it or help me and frankly i think its better for everyone if that stays that way. i dont even know why im writing this, i guess i just get comfort knowing its not as insane as talking to myself. i dont know if its good or bad that i pour myself out so much. probably bad. people frown upon that kind of thing. nobody wants to hear about me. what the fuck did i ever do except be an ass and complain, right? its not like i dont understand why nobody talks to me. i get it. you're completely right. i guess thats where some of this comes from, the fact that i know everyone is right. i just dont even know what to do anymore. i spend most of my time trying to occupy myself so i feel happy for a bit. never works for very long.

Day 64 - Seek

I think one of my biggest problems is that I have two conflicting opinions. On one hand I really wish I could be happy. I really wish that I could just live ignorantly or whatever and just be happy with what was around me. On the other hand, I don't think I should stifle my own thoughts. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm the kinda person who just speaks my mind and doesn't hold anything back. While this may have cost me quite a few social encounters and gotten me into some trouble I don't regret my decision. See, the thing is, its kind of hard to be happy if you think everything is shitty. And while I have the potential to try and fix my own state of mind I still would just look around me and somewhere I would be thinking the same things I always have. I don't think I could live like that.

I feel like if you are put into a situation where you are forced to change something about yourself to feel content with your life, then something is wrong with the world around you.

I really just feel like everything is going to shit and people are just trying to ignore it. If you look around at the people walking near you its like they are just trying to shut everything out. We have so many things now to block sensory input from the environment around you. I wouldn't be surprised if in the future it was just customary to wear a big enclosed helmet around.

I feel like if you look around and everyone is just looking down at their phones then something is wrong with either the world around them, or the people themselves. I think its probably a lot of both.

Anyway, rant number 2 is about how easily people seem to discard their values nowadays. I really just hate how easy it is for people to change their minds with little to no justification. People always hold so strongly to their values at any given point, and will defend them as long as they can, yet at any time they can just decide they no longer think that and they just wanna do the complete opposite. We live in a generation where people just like to pick and choose from a list of things and I think people tend to do this with their values quite often. If one value becomes inconvenient or to their disliking then they simply drop it and pick up a new one. I'm not really describing this very well, but I'm sure you get the gist of it.


I'm so glad that I was gifted with the knowledge that everything sucks, the ability to get angry about it, and the complete lack of motivation to do anything about it except moan and bitch and complain. It's really great.


I dunno. I've been thinking about a lot of things and a lot of people think I am wrong and I don't even feel good about anything anymore. I had a couple lighthearted things to say, but I don't really remember what they are. I guess I'll save those things some other time.


Nobody will read this.


Marcus

Day 63 - Trails

I feel so zen recently. I am loving summer right now. I mostly play video games and listen to music. I burn incense and sleep and eat. Also, I graduated. I know that most people don't really hold that as much of an achievement but I come from a family where nobody has a college degree so I'm happy. I'm not really sure where my summer is going to go yet, but I hope it goes where I think it will. I really want Diablo 3. I don't have any idea how I'm going to get Diablo 3. Man, I really wish I had some money. I can't really get a job right now, but I really need money. I don't know that I wanna give plasma or anything like that, but I might have to if it comes down to it. Anyway, you guys should hang out with me this summer because so far I haven't really been invited to hang out very much.

-Marcus ♥

Day 62 - Summer Jammin'

Well kiddos, its that time of year again. The school year is ending and for most of the people I know it is our last year in high school. For most of us that means a summer full of relaxing and getting ready to get on with our lives, and that feeling is so good. Anyway, people usually like to listen to a lot of music during the summer, and I am no exception. I introduce to you: the Summer Jams 1

Day 61 - The Wind

Hi. Long time no see? Yeah, I completely forgot this existed. Kind of. I realize now that the reason I stopped updating this thing was mostly because my computer broke. But that was a long long time ago and now it's all better! I'm tempted to go back and read some of my old posts. It's kind of neat that I have this record of what I was thinking on certain days from a year and a half ago. I have come to realize, though, that I remained true to myself which makes me feel good. I'm actually really proud of myself for having done something that I wanted to do and being moderately successful at it. And now I want to return to that!


So the year is winding down, and I am a senior. Not the kind that gets 3 dollars off at the local buffet, but the kind that is just beginning to explore that big big world out there. I only have like two or three weeks left and I feel like things should be slowing down but they are not at all. I have so many random little things to take care of and it is really stressing me out. I don't even know if I'm all on track to graduate because my counselor is a cunt and won't talk to me because she hates me. I have a lot of money to try and get for prom, and I have a lot of stress from that too. Prom is freaking me out way more than I ever thought it would. Mostly because it's coming out to be quite an expensive night and everyone is playing it up so much and I just feel like I'm going to be really out of place and not be able to play the part of enthralled teenager. It's also really nerve wracking because prom is a night that a lot of people remember for their entire lives, at least in some capacity. That means if I don't have a good time or something I'm just going to remember that forever. Oh well, we'll just have to get there and make the best of it.


I am so ready for college though. I know that most people are expecting me to fail or drop out or something, and that may very well happen, but I actually get a lot more done when I'm on my own and I don't have anyone nagging me to do shit all the time. I think it'll be a more productive environment anyway. I'm also ready to feel ahead of the curve again. Central is just making me feel like a failure in every way possible recently.


I'm honestly considering applying to McDonalds or something because I'll never get a job otherwise. If someone knows a job I can apply for that'd be sweet. I still don't want a job, but I really need the money so I guess I have no choice.


I've started to like watching movies a lot more. I wouldn't consider myself any more of a critic or anything than before, I just really like watching movies and I actively watch them a lot more than I used to. I don't really have anything to say other than that.


Um... I don't really have much more to say and I don't really want to force any other content, so I'm just going to end this here.


From under the rocks,

Marcus ♥